Hope less ness

I think I have been fighting with it myself all my life.

Action is the antidote to dispair and yet I see myself eternally haunted by the ghost of inaction. It’s maybe because I want to act so much that I fear I am loosing my chance whenever no big project is ahead of me, no big cause to fight for no more.

It’s this urge to make living something of purpose, this wanting and forever wanting that wants to destroy every last refuge of my peace of mind, like an endagered animal, each day running more and more tired away from an evergrowing civilization.

I make running towards everything a way of life, rushing there, rushing there, nd then in between the silence and disbalance that I perpetually feel…

At this time I can say, fear has taken over. It is the phantom in every street in every corner of the house, it is chasing me around insane, it creates destruction, it creates pain. I want to fight this fear, I want to make it go away, want to say that even the worst nightmares my fear has created are not so terrible as the constant fear itself. The cells in my entire body suffer the effects of fear, this fear, this fear. This constant fear. This forever fighting against reality, this dark black dog that bites me all around. This black cloud over my head.

I want to drop this fear and forget this fight.

I want to be free of the leash that ties me to my fear and to my post traumatic stress disorder.

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2 thoughts on “Hope less ness

  1. I feel your pain Giulia. I have that fear rotting my flesh and conscience. But i tell you what, we may be a loosing team now, but we will always be a team, no matter how self centered one may need to become. And then, by knowing there are people like you, that have the nobility to say what’s wrong with them and inspire responses… i am a little more hopefull that we can someday tip the balance and work things out. Just hang in there, happy days will follow

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